2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
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millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.