Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

adam and eve had first world problems

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”