Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

british sex workers really pound for pound

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

Okay, I’m still confused…

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.