Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.