Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

new career option?

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

Anarchy

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes: