Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

Multitask? I can barely unitask

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

Namaste

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

There are usually two types of merchants.

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.