20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
You Might Also Like
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
This kid will have a bright future.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!