Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.