20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?