20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
You Might Also Like
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It