Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

I love twitter

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

I love this❤️😁👍

These are so Plastic Man-core

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon