*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
