*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Dudes named Chance never had one.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
