*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
“Sheer Arrogance”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
