*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
