Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?