Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

🥴😂

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.