Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*