2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
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What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan