Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

I have obtained a hat

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.