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@KeetPotato

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

@abuya_henry

8:00 am – Packs Lunch
9:00 am – Arrives at work
9:04 am – Eats Lunch

@SlothSlouch

*First day undercover as a teen at the local college*
Me: How about them woke baes?
Them: What?
Me: Big mood bruh it’s lit so savage salty.
Them: Are you having a stroke mister?
*In a panic I start to twerk*

@Swishergirl24

Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

@carlyken

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

@ElleOhHell

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

@WittySassBasket

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

@smithsara79

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

@s8n

You gotta love Jesus.
He’s born, you get presents. He dies, you get chocolate.