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judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”


8:00 am – Packs Lunch
9:00 am – Arrives at work
9:04 am – Eats Lunch


*First day undercover as a teen at the local college*
Me: How about them woke baes?
Them: What?
Me: Big mood bruh it’s lit so savage salty.
Them: Are you having a stroke mister?
*In a panic I start to twerk*


Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.


Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….


doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015


BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?


Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.


Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right


You gotta love Jesus.
He’s born, you get presents. He dies, you get chocolate.