2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
honey, bring out the fine china.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
