Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

When I pack too much for a short trip.

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..