Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive