2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind