Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

the best thing i’ve ever made

what the

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

Like sleeping!

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party