Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

“We will wed,” I threatened

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?