Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

If you need a laugh.. 😅

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.