Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

i now pronounce you bounced.

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?

“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”