Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

Modded the new Gran Turismo

😂

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

it takes so much energy

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.