2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
You Might Also Like
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
favorite tropes as memes
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.