Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day