Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.