Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

I’m listening

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.