Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

Children of the corn 🌽

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

Who did it better?

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith