i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
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Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off