[trying to be the cool dad]
me: what is up lit fam
15yo: dad, please stop
me: what are the goals of your squad
2007 social media: wow connected with an old friend from high school
2017 social media: the cheese smoked gouda is linked to racism
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To whoever lost their iPhone 11 Pro outside Target 30 minutes ago, please stop calling my new phone.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Teacher- “How much is a gram?” Me- “Depends on what you want” Teacher- “Out, just get out”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I feel so bad for people who don’t like sports. They never experience the thrill of maybe being happy once every 10-20 years