Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*