2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
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34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
me irl
FRED: right
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.