Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

I ain’t wearing no wire

Finally!

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?