2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
You Might Also Like
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Woke up against my better judgement again
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?