2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
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I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?