Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

Limited budget

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg