Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

Yes, but it was never about money

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself