Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

(yawn)

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

and now we wait