2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
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I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want