Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.