Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

The Punning Dead.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding