2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
You Might Also Like
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?