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Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
