Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.