Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.