2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
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doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Just say no
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke