Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

I used to be married, but I’m better now

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

“Let them fake cake”

Marie Internette

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.