Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

pep talk

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

In case you needed to hear it:

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out