Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

Meeeee too!

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*