2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
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reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce