Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

Wait a minute

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

i feel so bad i refunded him

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

you will never know the true number of layers

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.