2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
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I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
It was worth a shot 😂
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
He took my last fry, your honor
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.