Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”