Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

*visits random websites just for the cookies*