Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

if a cop pulls u over play dead

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?