[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
