Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

oh you wanna fight?!

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

LOL

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?