Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

Take care of yourself, ladies

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”