2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
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Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look