Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213