2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
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*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.