2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
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That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.