Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

I like long walks away from everyone

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

ㅤ