[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
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i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.