2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
You Might Also Like
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate