2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
You Might Also Like
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
bad news gang
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.