2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
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2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Comparing yourself to others
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.